Restarting.

So I've decided to restart this blog. I've been feeling like I'm about to make some major changes in my life, and I decided to clean out this blog and start it over in honor of what may prove to be a rebirth of sorts.

This entry is more of a personal musing though... a personal musing about my most recent relationship... Follow the jump if you'd like:


I bear the scars of this relationship quite literally. On my stomach is an incision that runs all the way down. An incision I received from an emergency surgery after an overdose that nearly took my life. The result of that episode - I have an ulcer that I have to take preventative medications for. When I get stressed, I can feel it pulse. Another result of that overdose was a trip back into rehab/treatment. Ever since that episode, though, I've not been tempted... in fact, I've come to realize that I hate the way it makes me feel, taking meds... The only reason I ever did pills was to stop the pain and depression I was feeling in life.

I was in a long-distance relationship for a little over three years. I've known him for five or six years though, and honestly can't really remember what life was like without him around. When we first met, everything was roses. Everything was great. We were the type of friends who could go for long stretches without talking and then have a reunion and go on like no time had passed. But there was romantic tension there... we wanted each other. And finally we got together. Hell, we were even married on the game we met each other on.

But then things started to sour. He started disappearing and not being around, and I suddenly couldn't cope with feeling abandoned and ignored. We began to fight five to six days out of the week over the tiniest, stupidest stuff. It was as if we were purposelly pushing each other's buttons to see who would break first - and then we'd fight one another as a result. He started putting up a barricade around himself and started shutting himself off from me. Instead of talking to me about things that were bothering him, he'd simply tell me "nothing." When he got angry at me, he'd simply vanish - sometimes for days at a time - without a word to me, leaving me trying to figure out why suddenly I wasn't worth his time or energy. He would then come back and act as if I was meant to simply pretend it didn't happen. But he was slowly draining me.

In April we broke up because he chose to go on a trip instead of be here for me. We were apart for the entire duration of the time he was away but we reconciled because he gave me a list of things that he would change to do right by me. Not even three days after we got back together did I realize that list was a lie. He's recently even laughed at one of those items he had promised me and told me that it was "unrealistic from the start." It felt like a massive betrayal, and I felt my trust broken. And that broken trust has yet to be fixed... or even examined.

In June he and I fought so severely that I tried to overdose on pills just to show him that I could get the last word - and I nearly did. One emergency surgery and a week in the hospital later, I started seriously evaluating the nature of the relationship. And I started fearing for myself. But I stayed because I was under the guise that "love will conquer all."

But I'm learning that it does not. Not always.

He has left me for another trip that he put above me again, and I told him we needed a break. I'm not sure if we're broken up or not... the way he talks suggests to me that we are. And that's when the nightmares and repeating dreams began.

He told me the other day that for the first time in a long time, he had felt emotion... and that he was excited, happy, and hyper. He had sent me an email earlier that morning in his bubbly state, and for some reason it caused me to break into uncontrollable tears. Then when he told me he was feeling happy - after we had separated no less - I was crushed. I haven't been myself ever since. I'm not happy nor am I sad... I just go through the motions of every day while feeling nothing at all. I can put on quite a show to keep my family and friends in the dark, but the truth is I'm not right.

The night after he told me he was happy... I had a nightmare. I dreamt that in my loneliness I was walking down a dark street. I came across a man on the side of the road - I never saw his face, he was always in shadow - who waved me over. He was pitiful and sad, and my heart went out to him. So I spent time with him and tried to help him out. He won my trust and made me feel at home with him. But then he kidnapped me, took me out into an abandoned field in the middle of nowhere, and stabbed me in the back, through the heart. I pretended to be dead and he threw my body in the field and abandoned me, leaving me there to die. I woke up from this dream with terrible pain in my spine and chest.

Was this dream a vision? I have had visions before in my sleep that have come true... I'm scared that someone either has or is about to stab me in the back, and it has put me on edge. And what if it does turn out that this dream was warning me about someone and I don't heed it? Or what if it's telling me it's too late and has already happened, and that I need to pick myself up and get some help? I don't know how to take this dream... and it has me terrified to sleep again.

I'm finding myself trying to put up my own barricade against him. I purposelly got two jobs so I wouldn't be here that much anymore. WHen I start getting paid, I've already planned to start going to a gym and trying to find some kind of activity like karate or tennis to further keep me out of the house and away. Away from all the reminders and the pain.

It's not that I don't love him, because I do. But I can't let him have this kind of power over me anymore - he abuses it and I'm terrified he's going to put me in my grave... I don't thing I have another "life" left in me, so to speak. I have probably used up all my chances... I have to be careful with what I've got left. And if it means I have to learn to leave him behind...

He tells me he wants us to work it out, and that he wants to spend his life with me. But how can I believe that when he's never here to spend his life with me to begin with? How can I believe he wants to work it out when he always runs away from serious conversations and/or confrontations? How can I believe I'm good for him when he has told me that he suddenly feels happy... and this comes only after we separate? I want him to be happy... but I want to be happy, too. Don't I deserve that much?

I don't want to leave him behind, but I may have no choice. I want to see him make an effort, and so far he has failed miserably. I want him to put me first every once in a while, but I don't think he can. I want him to be around more often so I can try to share life with him, but he's too busy being away. I want to see him chase me, and he's practically given up and decided to sit on his behind instead. I don't feel like I'm worth any effort whatsoever... why should I put out effort then? I'm always the one reaching out and trying. Enough is enough... either he makes an effort, or our separation turns into a permanent break.

Sadly, I feel as if that's where it's heading anyway... what with both of us putting up barriers and keeping each other at such a distance...